Cowboys & Aliens: The Abridged Script

Another alien invasion flick, another disappointment. To be fair, C&A started off extremely promisingly. The idea of an alien invasion set in the late 1800s is a great concept because common awareness of the universe and the possibility of life on other planets came much later. If aliens did invade in these times, it’s more likely that such attacks would’ve been ascribed to demons or Satan. But this is where C&A failed, for me. It’s true, they do call the invading aliens as “demons”, but there was no fear of the supernatural and not one of them actually turned to god or the bible for assistance. They just picked up their guns and shot the aliens down, like they were invading mountain lions.

Taking inspiration from one of my favourite websites, The Editing Room, a place for hilarious “movie scripts”, I thought that instead of a review, this film deserved similar treatment.

COWBOYS & ALIENS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

FADE IN:

EXT. ARIZONA DESERT
(Daniel Craig wakes up in a desert with amnesia and a futuristic metal bracelet on his wrist).

AUDIENCE:
Daniel looks freakishly plasticky and has
creepy eyes. Obviously he’s the alien.

DANIEL CRAIG:
Actually, I’m the cowboy. Instead of panicking
at the sight of this incredibly witchcraft-like
thing on my wrist that is at least 200 years
ahead of my time, I’m going to treat is as a
slightly irritating accessory and ninja-murder
these extras who happened to be hanging around.

Hmm,  it says here on my Western Movie Checklist
that I’ve got to head over to the nearest tavern,
drink shots of whiskey through gritted teeth and
pick a fight with the local asshole.
(He does so).

INT. TAVERN

DANIEL CRAIG:
Whoa! Olivia, you crazy creep, have you been
staring at me for the last ten minutes?

OLIVIA WILDE:
Yes.  Both of us are looking for something.

DANIEL CRAIG:
Wow, you don’t say. You should start a tarot
reading business. You seem to have a talent
for vague statements.

DIRECTOR JON FAVREAU:
(Checks title of the film)
This film appears to be about Cowboys AND
Aliens and half an hour has already elapsed.

Okay, time for some alien ships that
look like trilobites which will blow up the
town and lasso them some people. Wooo!

EXT: TOWN SQUARE
(The aliens attack and kidnap the town sheriff, the innkeeper’s wife and Harrison Ford’s son (who looks suspiciously like Shia LeBeouf. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT) aka local asshole.  Daniel’s bracelet wakes up and shoots lasers at the ships).

TOWNSPEOPLE:
Nice bracelet you have there, Daniel! Despite
this being a rural hamlet, we won’t think it’s a
government conspiracy or witchcraft. Carry on,
good sir!

HARRISON FORD:
Standard issue legendary bad guy who likes
torturing people reportin’ for duty. Graar,
I encourage corruption! Rip that man in half
while we’re here!

DANIEL CRAIG:
Say Harrison, why is it that you coolly evil,
sinister and intelligent villains always end up
raising nasty dumbasses for sons?

HARRISON FORD:
You whelp! At least I wasn’t in that shitfest,
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

ORPHAN WHO WILL BE REPEATEDLY RESCUED
IN THE COURSE OF THIS FILM:

Mr. Ford sir, did you not read the title of the
film? Cowboys are the traditional heroes which
makes aliens the bad guys, so you can tone it
down and be Daniel’s Sean Connery and also a
father figure to me.

(Harrison, Daniel, Olivia, orphan, preacher, innkeeper and a motley crew of townspeople whose relatives have been kidnapped set out on a mission to find these aliens that are using technology completely beyond their comprehension, and presumably wing it after finding them).

INT. AN OVERTURNED RIVERBOAT

(Lone alien wanders around their camp and finds the young orphan. Instead of ripping him to pieces like it did to all the other people it encountered, the alien chooses to gently stroke the orphan’s face. No, seriously).

ORPHAN:

HOLD ON A SECOND. ARE YOU A GODDAMNED

SPIELBERG ALIEN? Seven hells, this movie might
actually not suck that much!

ALIEN:
What? No, don’t be silly.  I’m just passing the time
by caressing your face till your rescuers arrive.
Okey-dokey, here they are, toodaloo!

(Meanwhile, the innkeeper is learning to use a gun).

PREACHER:
Dude, you must be the only innkeeper in the
entire goddamn West to not know how to use
a gun. I’m a PRIEST and I can shoot like an ace,
for chrissake!  When you opened your tavern,
did you expect to receive patronage solely
from society marms?

INNKEEPER:
Psh, whatever grandpa. You just made a heartwarming,
sagely speech. You know what that means, right?
You just Samuel L. Jackson’d yourself.
(Alien shows up and kills the preacher).

EXT. ARIZONA DESERT
Aliens attack and the motley crew uselessly shoot at them with their old timey guns.

MOTLEY CREW:
Daniel, by all means continue to ride around and
admire the freaking scenery and NOT USE THE
ONLY GODDAMN THING THAT CAN DESTROY
THE ALIENS, YOU GORMLESS GARGOYLE.
(Daniel does so).

OLIVIA WILDE:
Oh, and Daniel it’d be great if you and I could
take a break from this whole invasion thing and
lovingly stare into each other’s eyes. It’d be better
if we could do it in the vicinity of that alien there
that is definitely not dead.

ALIEN:
Surprise! I’m not dead!
(Alien kills Olivia Wilde. Audience cheers wildly).

DANIEL CRAIG:
Nooooo! Not Olivia!
Hold on, let me consult my Checklist. Brooding
gunslinger… check, gun-toting female… check,
small orphan… check, gang of outlaws… check,
Sam Elliot-lookalike… check… Aha! I have it!
Apaches! Let’s go find some.
(Finds some apaches)

Hey Apaches, we have this dead Olivia Wilde
and don’t quite know what to do with her.

APACHES:
Let’s burn her and see what happens.

(Olivia Wilde comes back to life. Audience weeps).

OLIVIA WILDE:
I have come from a place above the stars. My planet
was destroyed by these aliens who are looking for gold.
GET IT? GOLD RUSH! Anyhoo, these aliens are kidnapping
your people to study human weaknesses.  I know
everything about them and what you bracelet does and….

DANIEL CRAIG:
Wait a second, you cow. You KNEW exactly what the aliens
were up to and how my bracelet could have stopped them
from killing and abducting people and you chose to keep your
mouth shut? What gives?

OLIVIA WILDE:
I wasn’t sure if you would’ve believed me.

DANIEL CRAIG:
Bitch I have a bracelet that shoots lasers on my wrist and
demons in flying machines just levelled a town. My
disbelief got suspended 3 minutes into the movie.

Also, I still have amnesia. How can we fix that and
fill in the back story?

APACHE CHIEF:
Native American medicine got that covered, brah.

DANIEL CRAIG:
Okay got my memory back. Turns out, I was in an
alien ship and just tripped and fell onto this bracelet.
Thank god for us aliens are total asshats who leave
super-powerful weapons just lying around!

EXT. OUTSIDE ALIEN SHIP

MOTLEY CREW:
Yee-haw! Die aliens, die! Humans rule!

ALIENS:
Are you seriously going to kill us with spears and
wooden arrows when 50 bullets didn’t seem to be
able to do the trick earlier?

HARRISON FORD:
Rule #1 of Invading Earth (Hollywood Style).
Aliens are only invincible in the first half of the film.
By the climax, they’re worse than Stormtroopers at
surviving.
Besides, we’re obviously the Ewoks of this film.

ALIENS:
Hmm, you’re right. We don’t know why we
equipped each of our crew-members with weapon
bracelets powerful enough to shoot down our own
ships. And why the hell did we invent weapons
when we have no way of monitoring them or
centrally shutting them down?

DANIEL CRAIG:
Rule #2, sonny jim. Only the utter dimwits of the
universe ever invade Earth.

(The aliens realize the depth of their breathtaking stupidity and obligingly die).

END.